By Critically Absurd Staff: Jeffrey Canter
I feel like I should start this out by saying that I'm kind of biased, in the sense that I'm not a monster fucker. However, that won't stop me from getting into some freaky shit on occasion.
So, let's dive right into the list
Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.
The following may be a tad NSFW.
Graaz, Unstoppable Juggernaut
This one is pretty is a pretty easy no, on account of looking like putting my wangus anywhere near them would hurt real bad. Not for peepee, hurt peepee
Migloz, Maze Crusher
See this one feels like it should be a no for the same reason as before, but they enter the battlefield with five oil counters, so they're going to be pretty well lubricated. So, yes, Migloz can get it
Malcator, Purity Overseer
So, initially I was gonna say yes, mostly cause elephants are pretty rad. But then I see they enter the field with a golem, and honestly I'm not trying to get involved in a three way at this time. So, unfortunately, Malcator can not get it.
Kethek, Crucible Goliath
This one is another pretty easy no. I like having my appendages attached but before and after coitus.
Ezuri, Stalker of Spheres
You know what, Ezuri looks pretty hot. Yeah, they can get it. You can proliferatee anytime baby. 😘
Geth, Thane of Contracts
See, this one feels like it should be an immediate yes because there are 2 Mass Effect words in the title, and in the spirit of Commander Sheppard I should say yes on principal. But insects freak me out. So it's a hard no from me.
Melira, the Living Cure
Meliras general witchy vibe makes this a pretty easy yes. Plus as the living cure she may be able to help me with whatever magical STD I could possibly end up with by
the end of this list. So, that's a win/win
Vesner, Corpse Puppet
It's another pretty easy no thanks to the corpse in the name, also I spy that spider-esc body behind them. You ain't fooling me into creepy spider sex. Also, I just have the sneaking suspicion that he wouldn't call me back.
Skrelv, Defector Mite
You guys remember the Ecto-Morphicons that Ivan Ooze uses in The Power Rangers Movie? Thats what Skrelv looks like to me. And I draw the line at banging Power Rangers villains. Except for Rita Repulsa.......and Scorpina.......and Pumpkin Rapper. Wait this is a discussion for another list. But no, Skrelv can't get it.
Tekuthal, Inquiry Dominus
Look at all those tentacles. I've seen enough anime to know where this is going. Count me in. Get it Tekuthal, you know you can.
Rhuk, Hexgold Nabber
Rhuk looks like he does everything hard and fast, and sometimes I need romanced. Ya know? Besides, I'm pretty sure he'd rob me after. So, I'm paying for the expierence regardless of if I want to or not. And to quote my boy Agent Reynolds from American Dad, "Dick don't pay for strange." American Dad Season 4 Ep 20 15:18 So that's gonna be a no from me dawg.
Zopandrel, Hunger Dominus
This looks like I'm gonna have to climb Zopandrel like a mountain to give it to them, and when the encounter involves mountain climbing, ya boy is out. Zopandrel can not get it.
Slobad, Iron Goblin
Slobad looks like a top. And with that hammer, looks like they can for sure give a good pounding. But they're also very spikey which has knocked more then one commander off of the yes list. So for consistencies sake, I'm gonna say no. Sorry Slobad. You can take me to dinner though
Kemba, Kha Enduring
So, normally I don't go for the furry content. However, I'm seeing some booba so I'm gonna say yes. There's also a joke I could make here involving another word for cat. But if I make that joke, I'm gonna get fired
Drivnod, Carnage Dominus
This dude is all bones, so I guess you can say they're ribbed for my pleasure. Also, I feel like right after I finish I'm gonna end up dying. But that effect means I would get to finish twice possibly, and that seems worth it. Yeah, Drivnod can get it.
Vraan, Executioner Thane
I feel like Vraan is telling me no then stabbing me with those wrist blades. Sooooooooo.....yeah I'd still give it a shot. Vraan can get it.
Ria Ivor, Bane of the Bladehold
Ria gets a tentative yes. But if that "bad dragon" she has with her wants to join, it turns into a no.
Jor Kadeen, First Gold Warden
Oh yeah, they can get it. We love a good Skrillix hair cut.
Thrun, Breaker of Science
Idk man, Thrun looks pretty scaley. I think I'm gonna pass.
Kinzu of the Bleak Coven
Kinzu is giving me some real Rhea Ripley vibes. So, they can ABSOLUTELY get it.
Karumonix, the Rat King
Alright, just hear me out. Getting done from 3 different heads. Granted the look a little rotten, but that's nothing a little febreeze before hand won't fix
Unctus, Grand Metatect
Alright, Unctus looks like they'd invite me to play doctor then I'm gonna end up in a Human Centepede situation. I'm gonna have to pass for that reason alone.
Ovika, Enigma Goliath
Hear me out. Hear me out...........that's a lotta hands to use for a reach around. That's all I'm saying. Ovika can get it.
Glissia Sunslayer
Glissia is putting off Snow White vibes to me. So I'm gonna say, yeah Glissia can get it
Solphim, Mayhem Dominus
It looks like Solphim getting it would involve dipping my wangus in lava. And for that reason I'm gonna say no, they can't get it.
Mondrak, Glory Dominus
Mondrak looks like a giant sheriff's star. I don't fuck cops. Mondrak can not get it.
Atraxa, Grand Unifier
Listen, I feel like after we finish, Atraxa will wrap me up with those wings and cuddle me until we fall asleep. I love a good cuddling session, so of course they can get it.
Elesh Norn, Mother of Machines
With a name like "mother of machines", I feel like Elesh is bringing toys into the bedroom. And I can always get behind that. So that's a definite yes.
There we go all new Phyrexia commanders and whether they can get it or not. Now if you'll all excuse me I think I gotta go visit Melira about this burning sensation in feeling I'm my nono square.